Maybe six months ago, a friend convinced me to send a proposal for a workshop at Southwest Love Fest, an event celebrating expansive relationships and positive sexuality. Part of what I do with my practice and with my podcast, Detoxicity, is celebrate and create a safe space for folks who, like me, fall into the non-traditional categories when it comes to relationships and sexuality. A large part of recognizing that space is needed has to do with my own journey through queerness and non-monogamy. At any rate, my workshop proposal was accepted, and I headed off to Tucson Arizona last week.
I should add--I've taken part in probably twenty to thirty different panel discussions or workshops over the last four or five years. All of them have been in tandem with others. This was the first time I facilitated a workshop to a large group by myself.
The workshop was called "Progressive Masculinity and Exploring Vulnerability". It was surprisingly (to me) well attended, and everyone who attended came with an open heart and a curious mind. Our group discussed everything from familial relationships to ways of finding a therapist to the need for physical platonic affection between men. The two thoughts that came up most often over the 90 minute session were the desire to live life fully and honesty, and the need for community. Those are two core tenets by which I live, and I think everyone deserves to be respected and seen for their whole selves--with the knowledge that those selves are constant works in progress. I also can't place enough importance on community--having folks around who appreciate and accept you. Folks who will call you out if you're on some bullshit, but will do it with love and not shame. We all need to create spaces for those we hold dear--blood family and chosen family alike.
Another important thing that came up repeatedly was the need for there to be behavior models. Personally, this is something I noticed when I started being more open about my mental health diagnoses and then about my journey into non-monogamy. When you open a door, 50 people will walk through it behind you. You just have to be brave and secure (and sometimes foolish!) enough to open that door. And open it with no expectation that anyone will follow you, so you'll be pleasantly surprised when people do.
I'm so grateful to be a part of this community. In my experience, those whose identities are out of socialized norms for gender, sexuality and relationship style have spent a lot of time in deep self-analysis. And self-analysis often breeds increased levels of thoughtfulness and empathy. I'm hoping that the seeds sown during my workshop--and at the whole conference--will reverberate through the extended circles of all that attended. I know I'll be thinking about the topics discussed for a long time to come.